Yes

Two years ago, I was anxiously awaiting lining up at the starting line of my very first race, the Manitou Days 5k.  I was so incredibly nervous because I wasn't sure if I was going to finish the race in the time allowed.   The race is run immediately before the Manitou Days Parade kicks off, and everyone had to be off of the course before the start of the parade.  I wasn't confident that I could do it, but I took a chance and did much better than I ever expected.

Today, instead of running the race, I'll be lining up to watch the parade and cheering on the others out there enjoying a 5K race on a warm Minnesota evening.  I contemplated signing up to run the race again, but took one look at my training schedule and realized it wasn't going to work.

You see, this morning, I ran, or rather, hobbled, 14 miles.

14 miles

I've never done that before.  I've run 13.1, but never 14.  I never imagined that two years after my first 5k that I'd find myself training for a marathon, but that is exactly where I find myself.  I still have the same concern of finishing in the time allowed, I haven't really gotten any faster, but the distance I'm willing to push my body has increased. 

This morning as I was out on my run, I listened to one of my favorite Bible teachers, Jonathan Martin.  I started the run listening to the message called, "Go".

Martin talked about the story of Abram in Genesis 12 where God tells Abram and Sarai to pick up all of their things, everything they know and go.  They know not where they are going, God doesn't fill them in on the details, but in obedience and trust, Abram says Yes.   

Now the  Lord  said to Abram, “Go from your country and your kindred and your father’s house to the land that I will show you.  And I will make of you a great nation, and I will bless you and make your name great, so that you will be a blessing.  I will bless those who bless you, and him who dishonors you I will curse, and in you all the families of the earth shall be blessed.”    So Abram went, as the  Lord  had told him, and Lot went with him. Abram was seventy-five years old when he departed from Haran. (Genesis 12:1-4, ESV)

As I was listening to Jonathan Martin explain this, I welled up with tears multiple times.  Saying "Yes" to God is never easy, in fact, it almost always means that we're saying "no" to our own comfort and contentment….which is exactly what this journey of training for a marathon is for me.  (I wrote more about my decision in the post, Finding Life Through Death.)

I knew that training for a marathon was going to be extremely difficult, and it wasn't at all anything that I wanted to do, but I kept hearing God nudging me to do it.  I said "Yes" without knowing what the outcome would be, without the confidence that I have what it will take to finish. 

I've quickly come to realize that I am absolutely positive that I don't have what it takes.  I keep trying to convince myself that I do.  I keep trying to get through each training run with my own strength and determination which always ends badly.  Today I realized that if I am saying Yes to God, I need to make sure I'm constantly looking to him to provide what I need to make it.  As I was listening to Jonathan Martin's words, I realized that I was able to focus on how much God loves me rather than how much my legs hurt and how slowly I was going.  I don't even remember miles 4-8 because I was so entrenched in the affirmation I found in the words I was hearing.  

It doesn't make sense to me.  I don't know how in the world I can accomplish this, much like Abram probably didn't know how he would know where he was going, but he went anyway.  I love to be in control, I hate failing, I have always done my very best to make sure I maintain control and achieve success.  I have a hard time trusting in things that I don't understand and can't see.  I constantly play the movie forward and analyze all of the possible outcomes trying to figure out what I should do or how something might end up, but we can't possibly know or understand what God has planned for us, simply because he is God.   

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the  Lord .     For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8-9, ESV)

Is God asking you to say "Yes" to something?   What does saying "Yes" require you to leave behind? 

I challenge you to jump in, say "Yes" and go where He is asking you to go.  It won't be easy, you might lose your way and I can pretty much guarantee that you will have regrets, but God will turn all of those into something more wonderful than you can imagine as long as you keep trusting in Him.

Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the  Lord  your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you. (Deuteronomy 31:6, ESV)

So say "Yes" and say it loud.  

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The Fighter

A couple Saturdays ago, my husband and I headed to church on Saturday evening.  We've been making it part of our date night since he isn't able to go on Sunday morning with us and Woodland Hills doesn't have children's programming on Saturday evening.  This normally goes well, but I normally don't end up crying in the bathroom at the end of the service.  Not that this was necessarily a bad thing, but my eye makeup was completely destroyed and I found myself having a really hard time fighting back the tears for the rest of the evening.


It wasn't that there was anything particularly profound delivered in the message, it was just that the guest speaker, Brianna Millett, had asked a question that I never really stopped to take the time to answer, "Who are you going to be?" was the question she delivered that apparently broke down the wall that was holding in a floodgate of tears. 


She was talking about identity, and all of the ways and things we try to identify ourselves as that may or may not be part of who God says we are.  So much of what she talked about as her former identities resonated with me, she is around my age and grew up in a town very similar to the one I grew up in. One particular area that we shared was finding our identity in what our body looks like.  As someone who has been obese for my entire life, I've always found my identity in my weight.  I've always identified as the fat girl, and that is always what I see in the mirror.  Even now, after losing 120 pounds, all I can see is the progress I have yet to make, the loose skin that is left over and the perfect body that will never exist.  I have always associated my identity with this and felt that I could never actually be who I was supposed to be until my body looked like I thought it should.


The question of "Who am I going to be?" was really difficult for me to hear because it meant that I actually had to discover who I am and who God made me to be.  That meant asking some difficult questions and facing the painful reality that the person I am might not be the person I've always wanted to be or the person that the world wants me to be.  


I felt bad about this, because obviously God has a better plan for my life than I do, but I wanted so badly to have the life that I desired rather than the life that he created me for.  Brianna offered great comfort when she talked about how Peter (formally Simon) struggled to live in the blessing of his new name, the name that Jesus himself gave him

The significance of giving someone a new name continues in the New Testament as well. Peter is given a new name by Jesus. It is Peter that decides to relinquish his new name, after denying Christ three times. Peter makes the mistake of believing that Jesus' love for us is a contractual agreement, rather than a covenantal loving relationship. The New Testament is filled with the new names given to us by Jesus at the cross: beloved, bride, new creation, holy, blameless, and so on and so on. As new creations we are also children of God, and as children of God we are all in this together. As brothers and sisters we are called to declare to our family members the names that Christ has given to them. The church is to work together to throw away the mud pies, so there can be more room for transformation. (Trading in Our Mud Pies - Woodland Hills Church)

 One of the things I am so grateful for is that God is a God of covenant love, he comes back for us and fights for us, even when we screw up.  He doesn't give up on us, he is in it for the long haul. 


Since I heard the message, I've been struggling with identifying who I am, who God made me to be.  On Memorial Day, I went for a run in the evening.  I decided not to take any music with me because I intended on spending time in prayer.  Mid run, when things started to get a bit difficult, I started talking to God about this.  I was having one of those brutally honest prayer sessions where I wasn't shy about letting out my frustrations.  I remember saying something along the lines of "God, I'm just so sick of fighting" (referring to my constant struggle to place God above my stomach and desire for food).  I had intended on following that statement with, I keep trying and trying but I just can't seem to break through, but almost as soon as I uttered the word fighting, I heard "but you are a fighter, that is who you are, that is what you have always done". 


[Insert ugly cry here]


I continued to run, but eventually had to stop until I gained my composure.  He was right.  I am a fighter.  I always have been a fighter and I'm going to be a fighter.  Sometimes I fight for things God wants me to fight for, sometimes I fight for things I want to fight for, but that is one thing that has remained consistent throughout my life.


Instantly I was reminded of all of the times in my life that I could have given up, that I could have done things the easy way, but instead I fought for what was right or what would lead to a better way of life for me or my family.  If I wasn't a fighter, my life would look much different than it does today. 


I've been struggling a lot lately with identifying what is true about me.  For the past few months, I've had a constant stream of destructive self-talk.  I've been speaking lies to myself.  You're a horrible mom.  Your words don't matter.  No one cares about you. You'll never be able to finish a marathon. 


This morning, I was doing my Bible Study and stumbled across a sentence that I really needed to hear.

Our words have influence, but only God's words have power. (Jennifer Rothschild - Me, Myself & Lies)

God spoke the world into existence (Genesis 1), he speaks and things happen, his words have incredible power.  I am thankful that he calls me a fighter regardless of what I might call myself, now I just need to remember it. 


I challenge you to stop and think about who you are.  Have a heart to heart conversation with God.  Are you being who He made you to be or are you being who you think the world wants you to be?  Rest in the assurance that even if you, like me and like Peter, aren't living up to the blessing that he has called you to, He won't give up on you!.  God will keep fighting for you to discover and believe who you REALLY are. 

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