It wasn't that there was anything particularly profound delivered in the message, it was just that the guest speaker, Brianna Millett, had asked a question that I never really stopped to take the time to answer, "Who are you going to be?" was the question she delivered that apparently broke down the wall that was holding in a floodgate of tears.
She was talking about identity, and all of the ways and things we try to identify ourselves as that may or may not be part of who God says we are. So much of what she talked about as her former identities resonated with me, she is around my age and grew up in a town very similar to the one I grew up in. One particular area that we shared was finding our identity in what our body looks like. As someone who has been obese for my entire life, I've always found my identity in my weight. I've always identified as the fat girl, and that is always what I see in the mirror. Even now, after losing 120 pounds, all I can see is the progress I have yet to make, the loose skin that is left over and the perfect body that will never exist. I have always associated my identity with this and felt that I could never actually be who I was supposed to be until my body looked like I thought it should.
The question of "Who am I going to be?" was really difficult for me to hear because it meant that I actually had to discover who I am and who God made me to be. That meant asking some difficult questions and facing the painful reality that the person I am might not be the person I've always wanted to be or the person that the world wants me to be.
I felt bad about this, because obviously God has a better plan for my life than I do, but I wanted so badly to have the life that I desired rather than the life that he created me for. Brianna offered great comfort when she talked about how Peter (formally Simon) struggled to live in the blessing of his new name, the name that Jesus himself gave him
The significance of giving someone a new name continues in the New Testament as well. Peter is given a new name by Jesus. It is Peter that decides to relinquish his new name, after denying Christ three times. Peter makes the mistake of believing that Jesus' love for us is a contractual agreement, rather than a covenantal loving relationship. The New Testament is filled with the new names given to us by Jesus at the cross: beloved, bride, new creation, holy, blameless, and so on and so on. As new creations we are also children of God, and as children of God we are all in this together. As brothers and sisters we are called to declare to our family members the names that Christ has given to them. The church is to work together to throw away the mud pies, so there can be more room for transformation. (Trading in Our Mud Pies - Woodland Hills Church)
One of the things I am so grateful for is that God is a God of covenant love, he comes back for us and fights for us, even when we screw up. He doesn't give up on us, he is in it for the long haul.
Since I heard the message, I've been struggling with identifying who I am, who God made me to be. On Memorial Day, I went for a run in the evening. I decided not to take any music with me because I intended on spending time in prayer. Mid run, when things started to get a bit difficult, I started talking to God about this. I was having one of those brutally honest prayer sessions where I wasn't shy about letting out my frustrations. I remember saying something along the lines of "God, I'm just so sick of fighting" (referring to my constant struggle to place God above my stomach and desire for food). I had intended on following that statement with, I keep trying and trying but I just can't seem to break through, but almost as soon as I uttered the word fighting, I heard "but you are a fighter, that is who you are, that is what you have always done".
[Insert ugly cry here]
I continued to run, but eventually had to stop until I gained my composure. He was right. I am a fighter. I always have been a fighter and I'm going to be a fighter. Sometimes I fight for things God wants me to fight for, sometimes I fight for things I want to fight for, but that is one thing that has remained consistent throughout my life.
Instantly I was reminded of all of the times in my life that I could have given up, that I could have done things the easy way, but instead I fought for what was right or what would lead to a better way of life for me or my family. If I wasn't a fighter, my life would look much different than it does today.
I've been struggling a lot lately with identifying what is true about me. For the past few months, I've had a constant stream of destructive self-talk. I've been speaking lies to myself. You're a horrible mom. Your words don't matter. No one cares about you. You'll never be able to finish a marathon.
This morning, I was doing my Bible Study and stumbled across a sentence that I really needed to hear.
Our words have influence, but only God's words have power. (Jennifer Rothschild - Me, Myself & Lies)God spoke the world into existence (Genesis 1), he speaks and things happen, his words have incredible power. I am thankful that he calls me a fighter regardless of what I might call myself, now I just need to remember it.
I challenge you to stop and think about who you are. Have a heart to heart conversation with God. Are you being who He made you to be or are you being who you think the world wants you to be? Rest in the assurance that even if you, like me and like Peter, aren't living up to the blessing that he has called you to, He won't give up on you!. God will keep fighting for you to discover and believe who you REALLY are.
I loved this post! Such a great message and something we don't think of very often. A lot of times it is easier to see this for other peoples lives. It is harder, but well worth it to look at our own life!
ReplyDeleteThank you Melissa.
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