This weekend was difficult.
Saturday morning the kids and I set up at Summit Ave and West River
Parkway to offer nourishment, water and encouragement to my fellow Team World
Vision runners as they completed the 20 mile training run in preparation for
the Twin Cities Marathon.
It was a beautiful day to run, the weather was perfect. I was excited for them and yet, at the same
time, I was struggling.
I felt stuck inside my head again, like I could get out and enjoy what
my eyes were seeing. My mind was flooded
with all kinds of negative thoughts, as it often is. Even though I had done my 20 mile and 23 mile
runs previously, I was telling myself that they didn't count because I wasn't
with the team. It didn't count because
it was so slow.
This sounds ridiculous, because it is, but this is how my mind
works. I can find peace with things one
day and the next day be right back to square one. If you are frustrated and annoyed with this,
I get it, I am equally as frustrated.
Training for a marathon is difficult.
Training for a marathon while battling depression and anxiety, is even
more difficult. I used to tell myself
that training for a marathon while still significantly overweight was the hard
part, but now I know that making peace with the lies in my head is the hard
part.
It is a victory for me if I can get that voice to stop, if I can let
the truth shine through the darkness that fills my head. It has become so apparent to me that this
race has very little to do with my physical strength and everything to do with
mental strength. Running is 95% mental
for me.
Living with me the past few months has not been easy. My kids and my husband have suffered greatly
as I constantly try to find the light in the sea of darkness in my head.
Last night, instead of running, I decided I was going to spend the time
in prayer and diving into God's truth to remind myself of all the things I have
a hard time remembering when things get tough.
I spent three hours going from verse to verse, reading about God's power
and all of the amazing things we are capable of when we have the Holy Spirit
present within us.
I kept coming back to 2 Corinthians.
There is so much great stuff in 2 Corinthians. I was especially drawn to 2 Corinthians
12:7-10. I have read it and heard it so
many times, but last night, it impacted me in a way it hasn't before.
So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the
surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a
messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about
this, that it should leave me. But he
said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect
in weakness." Therefore I will
boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may
rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses,
insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
No one really knows what the thorn in Paul's flesh was that he begged
to have removed, but when I read the portion of a messenger of Satan harassing
him, I felt like that was something I could identify with.
Since running this marathon is something that I felt like God wanted me
to do, it has been challenging for me to know for what reason. Is it so that I can succeed and know that the
only way I was able to do it was through His power? Is it so that I can fail, knowing that even
in our failures, we're worthy of his love and grace? I think both are completely loving and
reasonable options. I'm sure there are
others that I haven't even considered…but I think that is the point, I'm
supposed to stop considering these things and just trust in His plan for my
life.
Last night and this morning, I have been consistently praying for two
things:
- That God would remind me of a time when I didn't think I was capable of something but He provided the strength to make it through.
- That God would remove the discouragement and negative self-talk from my head and replace it with faith and joy.
This morning, on my way to work, I was thinking about how I
occasionally have images of me crossing the finish line running through my
head. Shortly after I had that thought,
I remembered another image I had at the beginning of my MBA program, another
time in my life where I felt I didn't have what it takes. On the first night of my program, they took
us through Benson Great Hall at Bethel University, where our commencement would
be. As we were standing in the hall, the
coordinator walked us through the ceremony
we would be part of upon completion of the program. As we were standing in the hall, I had this
image in my head of my husband standing in the back of the auditorium holding a
little girl with a whole lot of dark hair.
At this time, we had no children and weren't planning on having them any
time in the near future. However, by the
time I found myself walking across that stage to accept my diploma, not only
did I have a beautiful little girl with gobs of beautiful, dark, hair, I also
had another teeny tiny little baby growing in my womb.
God gave me that vision and he fulfilled it,
so I am praying that he will fulfill my finish line vision as well. One prayer answered.
As we get closer to October 5th, I realize just how much I need the
love and support of everyone who is willing to provide it. So if you want to see God work big time, I'd
love it if you would join me in praying for these things.
- Pray that I would find at least one other person to run with on the day of the marathon that would be running at a pace I could keep that would get me across that finish line.
Due to schedule and pace, I
often run alone. However, the last two
Wednesdays I've had the opportunity to run with members of my team. I run so much better with other people,
especially other women, at my side.
Sinead, Jen and Kiah, running with the three of you gave me hope when I
needed it the most.
For where two or three
are gathered in my name, there am I among them. Matthew 18:20
- Pray that the negative self-talk would stay away, starting now. Pray that I would replace any darkness in my head with truth and joy and that I would be reminded daily of God's love for me. Pray that I would keep my eyes focused on Jesus, nothing else.
You make known to me
the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand
are pleasures forevermore. Psalm 16:11, ESV
- Pray that people would be moved to give and that I would reach my fundraising goal of providing clean water for 52 people. Pray that people would see the sea of orange shirts along the course and be stirred to action. Pray that our team would make a big impact in the lives of people in Africa.
I am putting my body, my family and my emotions through crazy struggles
because I believe so strongly in the work that World Vision is doing. I believe that we can make a difference. I want life and dignity restored to people
who have been praying for it. The
sacrifice I'm making is minor compared to the sacrifice Jesus made for me and
for all of us.
And whoever gives one
of these little ones even a cup of cold water because he is a disciple, truly,
I say to you, he will by no means lose his reward. - Matthew 10:42, ESV
- Pray for healing and health for everyone on the team.
My left foot, left knee and right hip have been hurting quite a bit
lately. I know I'm not the only one
struggling with aches and pains, pray that everyone would be healthy and strong
on race day.
- Pray that it would be unmistakable that everything being done through Team World Vision is for God's glory.
I have a hard time remembering this one. It is easy to make this about me, which has
become quite obvious, but I want to make this about Him.
The older I get, the more I'm aware of how much I need other
people. I spent so much of my life
trying to be as self-sufficient as possible.
I wore self-sufficiency as a badge of honor, I was proud to never need
to rely on others, and I'm realizing how lonely and empty that kind of life can
be. God created us for community. We are each given different strengths that
when used together, can create amazing things.
I am learning slowly how to do this and each day I see how selfish I
have been. I haven't done relationships
well, and I’m hoping that this is a chance to start over and work on getting it
right.
I'm leaving you with this song just because it wrecked me during worship last weekend.
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