Rethinking Christmas Giving

I've started this post a million times and deleted it because I'm afraid of all the ways it could be misinterpreted, but I just can't stop the words from running through my head, so I think that accounts for something.

So please understand my heart behind this post.  It isn't to judge, condemn or call anyone out, I'm simply offering another option.  I'm not claiming to have it all figured out, I just want to give you some things to think about.

As we head into Christmas, I noticed that the really awesome chest pains I was having last year at this time started to come back.  I know that they are anxiety related, and I thought that they were related to a particularly stressful and emotionally taxing situation I was going through last year, but that doesn't seem to be the case.  They have returned with a vengeance and I have been bound and determined to find the root of the anxiety that causes them.  The minute I walked into Target on Monday they started.  I started thinking about Christmas, and all the gifts, and all the stuff and instantly, my heart started to hurt.

When I pinpointed it, I got angry.  Angry that a beautiful time of year has become so commercialized, that so much focus is on stuff.  Then I got sick.  I watched cart after cart go buy, filled to the brim with stuff….stuff that people probably don't even really need.

I know that some people love to give and receive gifts, I think that is great.  I have received some great gifts in my lifetime.  I don't think that giving gifts is in and of itself bad, but I think the need to give gifts that don't have a lot of thought behind them just for the sake of giving gifts or getting more stuff, is sickening.  If you have to ask other people what they are getting their kiddos for Christmas to get more ideas for your kids, then you probably don't need to get them anything at all.  If you can't think of anything to get someone else, then maybe a material gift isn't the answer. 

Buying gifts gives me horrible anxiety and I finally realized it this year.  It isn't because I don't like to be generous, I love to give things to people.  It is because with the time and money I have, I can rarely find a gift that would ever convey how much the people I want to buy gifts for mean to me.  I can spend hours looking for the perfect thing and never find it, and I hate just picking any old thing because it feels so disingenuous….and that makes me sad.

I started thinking about all the gifts that kids will likely get this year and I started to think about how detrimental this could be in the long run.  Don't we spend so much of our life trying to learn and understand that material things don't make us happy?  Why then, do we lavish our kiddos with gifts at Christmas time?  Isn't the point of Christmas to celebrate the birth of Jesus and how much he loved us by sharing that love with each other?  Then why wouldn't we want to help our kids learn early that material things can't make you happy and limit the gifts they are given and instead focus on giving? 

When I think about giving, I think about Luke 14:12-14

He said also to the man who had invited him,  “When you give  a dinner or a banquet, do not invite your friends or your brothers or your relatives or rich neighbors,  lest they also invite you in return and you be repaid.    But when you give a feast,  invite  the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind,    and you will be blessed, because they cannot repay you. For you will be repaid  at  the resurrection of the just.

I'll be honest, I'm far more compelled to give gifts to people I don't know than people I know because I don't want to be repaid.  I don't know why that is, but it is.  I love knowing that my gift will make a difference because it is needed, not just more stuff. 

Since I read 7: AnExperimental Mutiny Against Excess by Jen Hatmaker, my mind processes everything so differently.  I can't look at "stuff" without thinking about how much it costs and how inconsequential it is.  So when I think about Christmas gifts, that is where my head goes.

With Black Friday and the biggest shopping season around the corner, I'd like you to consider something.  Are the gifts your buying simply allowing you to check something off of your list?  Is it something that is actually going to make a difference in someone else's life?  Is it something that will end up in a landfill in a few years?  I think if you stop and ask these questions, you'll likely find yourself wondering why you are buying it in the first place.

If that is the case, I'd like to offer you an alternative, actually, multiple alternatives to the typical Christmas gift; giving to people who are in NEED in someone else's name as a gift to them.

There are SO MANY great organizations that allow you to do this, here are just a few of them:

World Vision Gift Catalog - This allows you to purchase a variety of things for people in need: animals, clean water, shelter, education, medical care, etc.  Gifts range from $10 to +$150 and there are a variety of options, surely you can find something that special someone would be passionate about.  For example, you can buy a rabbit for an impoverished family for $19, and the good thing about rabbits, they multiply quickly!  There are SO MANY wonderful gifts you can purchase for people who's lives will be changed.  We all know I'm pretty passionate about World Vision, so I think this is a great choice.

Compassion International - They also have a gift catalog with very similar options.  

 

If not having something to give makes you uncomfortable, no worries!  There are other options that allow you to give while still making a difference.

Trades of Hope - They sell beautiful jewelry, scarves and home goods handcrafted by women across the world.  They empower women to create sustainable businesses worldwide so that they can rise out of poverty.  If you are interested in this, please let me know, I have a couple of friends who can hook you up!

Noonday - Similar to Trades of Hope, they sell jewelry and accessories made by women across the world helping them run businesses and change their lives.

Looking for something in your community?

Angel Tree - A ministry of Prison Fellowship, they provide opportunities for you to purchase gifts for children who's parent is incarcerated.  I love this opportunity because you get the kiddos name and they write down a gift idea. 

 Toys for Tots - Lead by the Marines, they collect unwrapped toys at a variety of locations to distribute to kiddos in the community.  

I could go on and on.  The point is that there are so many opportunities to change a life this Christmas rather than giving a gift that will likely be under appreciated.  You have the power to change lives, why not do it?

So instead of heading out on Thanksgiving evening or early Black Friday, why not do things differently this year and spend some time with your family and spread Christ's love to those who could really use it. 

“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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8 Reasons You Should Run a Marathon with Team World Vision

It is no secret for many of you readers that running a marathon was a significant goal for me this year.  It wasn't anything I had ever planned on doing and it wasn't something I ever thought would be possible for me to do, but God had other plans.  I completed my first marathon with Team World Vision on October 5th, and now I want to invite you to do the same.  Here are some reasons that I think you should run a marathon, specifically the Twin Cities Marathon, with Team World Vision.

You probably think you can't

I can't think of a better reason to set a huge goal for yourself.  I've always been motivated to prove myself and others wrong.  I enjoy pushing myself to do things that I never thought were possible once I can get over the voice in my head telling me that I can't.  I like to show that voice that it doesn't know what it is talking about, and I think deep down, we all do.  If  you are in relatively good health, I think you have what it takes to run a marathon, you just don't think you do.  Why not prove that little voice in your head wrong?

You will meet some amazing people

It is no secret that I love the community of runners in general, the love I have for my fellow Team World Vision runners is even greater.  You will meet other people running on this team that you wouldn't have met otherwise, and you will push each other towards greatness.  Training for a marathon is hard, but you don't have to do it alone.  I can't tell you how much running with my teammates pushed me to run harder, faster and longer than I would have run if I were training on my own.  You'll be inspired by other people who have jumped in an decided to run a marathon.  People who also though they couldn’t do it, but were willing to give it a shot.  You'll laugh together, cry together, rejoice together and pray together.  You'll be excited for every single one of your teammates that crosses that finish line, it is the thrill of finishing a marathon multiplied…and trust me, that is a great feeling to multiply.

You will grow in ways you probably didn't even know you needed to grow

I'm going to be honest with you and say that training for a marathon was the hardest and best thing I've ever done.  I was pushed so far out of my comfort zone.  I really didn't think I had what it took to finish a marathon.  I had nothing to trust in other than God's goodness and perfect plan for my life.  I trusted that this was something he wanted me to do, and I had to constantly remind myself of that.  What I realize now is that I am the best version of myself when I'm forced to lean on God.  I loved the person I became during the last month of training.  I found weaknesses in my life and in my running that needed to be strengthened.  I learned that pride was a big blind spot in my life and I needed to swallow it to become a better runner, and I did.  I learned that I needed to rely more on others to cover me in prayer and offer encouragement as opposed to always going at it alone.  All of the things I learned helped me grow.  I watched others grow right along with me.  It is a beautiful thing to witness growth in others that you love.

You will be encouraged by complete strangers 

I'm a bit cynical, I don't always believe that people want others to succeed in our "me, me, me" culture, but running the marathon changed that.  I was overwhelmed by the massive amounts of spectators cheering along the course.  I heard people tell me they were proud of me as I ran, people I'd never met before and would likely never see again, it was unreal.  You don't know how much random people cheering for you means until you are 25 miles into a race feeling like garbage and a "You go girl, you've got this" from a St. Paul Police Officer gives you the confidence to finish.  People are beautiful, and they want you to succeed when you push yourself to do something great.

You will change the lives of beautiful people in Africa

Perhaps one of the greatest things about running with Team World Vision is that you get to be an advocate for people who have far less than we do.  You get to tell the world that there are people, just like me and you, who are doing their very best to survive without the basic necessity of clean water.  Without clean water, everything else in life becomes nearly impossible, but you get to speak boldly about this injustice because you're taking strides, literally, to put an end to it.  You get to ask anyone and everyone you know if they'd be willing to join you in the fight.  You get to witness people who you didn't think would be willing to give, give and give generously.  You get to see people's eyes opened.  You get to rejoice every time one more person gets access to clean water.  You get to change lives simply by putting yourself through some temporary discomfort. 

You will see God move

Our team had a constant prayer last year, that God would make it evident that He was at work in us.  He answered that prayer so many times during the course of the season and every time, I was reminded just how much he loves us when I was at a point in my life where I desperately frequent reminders of that love.  When you pray boldly, you get to see God do things you never thought were possible, and that is pretty darn exciting. 

You will experience emotions you didn't know you had

The minute I realized that I was going to cross the finish line, I was flooded with a mix of emotions.  I still don't have words to describe some of them, but here are a few: joy, pride, gratitude, exhaustion, elation - you will want to burst.  

No one can ever take the title of "Marathoner" away from you

Once you cross that finish line, you are a marathoner, and you always will be.  On difficult days, you can remind  yourself of what you once did and look back and smile.   On hard training runs afterwards, you can remind yourself that you once moved your body for 26.2 miles, you can push through 4. 

There is a lot more that  I could say, but the main thing is this, running a marathon with Team World Vision changed my life and may be the greatest thing I'll ever do.  I want everyone to experience the love, joy and growth that I experienced and I'd feel horrible if I didn’t tell you about it and invite you to do the same.

If you are thinking about it, but have questions, please let me know, I'd love to answer any.  If you want to run, but are afraid of being to slow or not knowing what to do, I'd love to help!  In fact, I might even be able to talk my husband into letting me run again next year if I were doing so with the sole intent of helping someone else finish.  

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Journey

Last night I attended Q Commons.  There was an overwhelming amount of thoughts, ideas and reflections shared in a span of two hours.  While I had a lot of thoughts and feelings swirling around in my head, I left with one word in the forefront: journey.

I feel like this word has been particularly significant in my own life lately as I start to recognize, and have the courage to act on, promptings from the Holy Spirit.  I think most of us have a tendency to run our own lives.  We don't stop long enough to listen for the Holy Spirit, or even on the off chance that we might stop to listen, we aren't all that sure that we actually sure we want to go on the journey we're being invited on and we decline the invitation.

Every prompting from the Holy Spirit is like another voice command from your GPS, inviting you to come along, to experience life to the fullest.

I have a coffee mug at work that I purchased about 10 years ago at a Christian women's conference.  On one side, it says Journey, on the other is Jeremiah 29:11

  

This verse has become some what of a battle cry in the evangelical world.  We find it comforting when life gets uncertain and we're not quite sure where to go next.  We find hope when it feels like things are spinning out of control.  I think all of these things are good, but they completely miss the contextual meaning of the verse.

As I was thinking about this on my drive home last night, I was eager to open up my Bible and dig into what was going on before and after this verse.  It is very clear immediately, who these words were meant for.

These are the words of the letter that Jeremiah the prophet sent from Jerusalem to the surviving elders of the exiles, and to the priests, the prophets, and all the people, whom Nebuchadnezzar had taken into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon. (Jeremiah 29:11, ESV)

Jeremiah, a prophet, was delivering words that God had given them to people who had been sent to a foreign land.  God was giving them plans for their life in this place of exile, where they would be for a while.

For thus says the  Lord : When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will visit you, and I will fulfill to you my promise and bring you back to this place. (vs 10)

The people that these words were meant for were living in an foreign land, Jews among gentiles.  What I found in verse seven was particularly interesting

But seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the  Lord  on its behalf, for in its welfare you will find your welfare. (vs 7)

Interesting.  This same word, welfare, is used instead of prosper in the ESV translation of Jeremiah 29:11.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the  Lord , plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.  Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you.  You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you, declares the  Lord , and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the  Lord , and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile. (vs 11-14)

Even more interesting to me was the note in my Bible on this word.  The Hebrew word being used is shalom, meaning complete peace and well-being for a group of people.

I was profoundly impacted by the fact that their welfare, their peace, their future, their hope, was dependent on the welfare that they brought to Babylon.  They had to first bring blessing to the Gentiles before God would bring blessing to them. 

What if we brought this back?  What if our prosperity, wealth, health, future and hope was only as promising as it was for everyone in our community, how would that change things for you?  Would things look better?  Would things look worse?

The opportunity to bring peace, welfare and hope among our neighbors is endless.  I needed this reminder that this journey, this faith, it isn't about me.  Sure, it markets really well when we swing it that way, everyone wants to improve their life, ensuring the best for themselves and their families.  Evangelical churches today have gotten really good at selling the God of personal gain, but I feel God calling us back to be a people not concerned with our own welfare, but the welfare of our communities. 

This brings a sense of solidarity, of wholeness, of being one.  It allows us to see our neighbors as someone created in the image of God, regardless of their beliefs, culture or attitude.  God isn't just concerned about the welfare of Christians, he is concerned about the welfare of EVERYONE. Period.

This requires action.  This requires building bridges.  This requires relationships.

I recently read something by Brennan Manning in the book, A Glimpse of Jesus: The Stranger to Self-Hatred that has stuck with me.

Biblical compassion, combining heartfelt emotion with active relief for the suffering, transcends psychological personalism and privatized pity to enter into the very heart and mystery of God.  Clearminded, hard-hearted, and softhearted, Jesus revealed in his ministry of mercy the face of the compassionate God.

To be like Jesus requires us to act.  Thinking about the outcast, the widow, the poor and the powerless does nothing.  We are called to action.  

I challenge you today, just as I have challenged myself, to listen for the prompting of the Holy Spirit, listen for God calling you on a journey.  Listen for the opportunity to bring welfare and hope to someone who needs it desperately.  When the opportunity comes, accept it, trust it, go for it.  Dive heart first into the chance to enter into the heart and mystery of God, you won't be disappointed. 

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God is Good, ALL THE TIME!

Wow.


It has been a day.


I'm still collecting my thoughts, and although so much of the day seems like a blur, there is so much good.


I really wasn't sure how today was going to go, I think you all know that.  But we had the fun added extra bag of nerves that comes with a 4 year old who was throwing up most of the night.  All I knew was that he kept waking up crying and James took care of him every time.  I asked James during the middle of the night if he knew what his deal was and he just said no, then when I woke up, he told me the truth.  So far he's the only one that has been impacted, so we're hoping it was something he ate.


I headed out the door at 6am and James drove me to the church where we were having a pre-race worship service.  We were waiting in a line of cars to turn when my stomach started doing some pretty terrible things so I bailed and found the nearest porta potty.....just in time. 


I got so many fantastic hugs and well wishes at the church.  I even got the chance to hug and meet up with a friend from high school who was also running (and she CRUSHED it by the way - Nice job J.B....I know it is J.S. know, but you'll always be J.B. to me).


Worship was fantastic.  One of my teammates delivered a fantastic message on Isaiah 40:31, it captured so much of why I felt God was calling me to run this and I was in tears, soaking it all in. 


After worship we headed over to our team photo opportunity, where I also got more great hugs.  After the photo it was time to drop our bags and get in line....even more hugs!  Seriously, Team World Vision is a life changer for me.  I don't think I've ever grown to love a group of people outside of my family more than I love all of my teammates.  While we were lined up, the same teammate who delivered the amazing message stopped to pray over me, it was much appreciated and needed.




After waiting around for a while, we were off.  The first 10 miles were easy and went by really quickly.  After that, things progressively went down hill.  Miles 11 through 19 are kind of a blur, but the spectators, they are amazing!  If you ever want to restore your faith in humanity, run a marathon, or spectate a marathon, complete strangers cheer REALLY hard for you.  At one point, I think it was around mile 11 or 12, I passed by a man who cheered really loud for me, and then when I got passed him, I could hear him telling the other people he was with that he was just so proud of me.  I've never met this man, he knew nothing at all about me, but to hear a complete stranger say he was proud of me made me cry big giant tears.


I was so excited to see my family at mile 16, I was starting to feel pretty rough at this point, so it was a treat to see all of their smiling faces. 

There is a great story behind this.  Earlier this spring, I read the DOs and DO NOTs of running a marathon by The Oatmeal.  I said I was gonna need someone to hold up a sign of Godzilla at mile 11 and my husband delivered.  Go read it, you'll laugh.

After crossing over the Franklin Bridge at mile 19, my quads started cramping really badly.  I honestly didn't know if I was going to make it, but I took some of my Margarita Cliff Shot Blocks (they are a gift from God) and it seemed to help a bit, but the cramps would come back every once in a while.  Miles 19 through 22 were really, really rough.  At mile 22, I saw a familiar face for the 3rd time.  My friend Kari asked if I was going to do this thing and I said, "I'm really not sure, my legs are cramping really bad."  She encouraged me to keep going and said a bunch of other really great things that I can't even remember anymore, but it was so incredibly needed in that moment.  Shortly after I passed by her, the cramps were gone and didn't return, and the song "Oceans" came on.....and I knew God was with me.


I kept looking at my watch and doing the math in my head to try to figure out if I could keep my pace going to get to the finish line in time.  With each mile marker that passed, it seemed possible, but only if I pushed myself really hard, which was getting increasingly harder with each step.  


When I turned the corner to start heading towards the really long hill to the finish line, I saw Bradley, the guy who leads Team World Vision - Twin Cities, running towards me.  He said - "You've got this, you're going to finish this thing."  I think I was too tired to really cry, but I was feeling all kinds of emotions at that moment.  Shortly after he joined me, I saw Scott, my team's coach, who just got done running 26.2 miles coming to join me as well.  Scott ran injured, so to have him come back and run me into the finish line filled me with overwhelming gratitude.  When you run with a team, it is about so much more than you finishing the race.  Both of these guys demonstrate Jesus' sacrificial love so perfectly, I'm lucky to know them.

Me and Scott Post Race

Eventually, I made my way down the hill and saw my family and every so slowly made my way across the finish line.  It was amazing.  At least as amazing as something can be when your legs don't want to work anymore and you have blisters the size of Paris on your feet.  (FYI, Thorlos, you suck!)

All I was looking for was to cross the finish line and not get booted off the course.  Done.

I got my medal, my snacks and made my way through the finish area to get my t-shirt and I saw some friends from the team and got some great hugs!  As I was on my way back to the Team World Vision tent, I saw my friend Sinead.  We got to share a quick, tearful hug after we both finished our first marathon.  It was beautiful.  Honestly, I think I would have thrown in the towel on this marathon thing so long ago if she wasn't encouraging me.  I think she believed stronger than I did that I would finish this thing, so it was so wonderful to see her. 


When I finally made it to the tent, I got even more hugs and eventually a piece of cake.  I got to take some pictures with my family and compose myself before making the journey back to the car.....just a few blocks is really far.


When I got back to the car, I turned my phone on and saw that I had a text.  I was speechless, shocked, in awe and just stared, crying.  Someone anonymously gave $500 towards my goal, water for 10 people!  If you gave this donation and you are reading this, YOU ARE A HERO, you put the icing on the cake for this day.  I just hobbled along for 26.2 miles, but you and all of the other donors made crossing that finish line and all the pain I was (and still am) feeling completely worth it. 

By the way - even though I'm at 100% and the race is done, you can still give!  You can still be a hero and change a life.


I know that the only way I was able to complete this was with all of the prayers and love that has been poured out on me over the past few weeks.  I know I'm not always great at giving it back, so please know that it was very much appreciated.  For every one of you that gave me a hug this weekend and said that you were praying for me or that you could relate to my story - THANK YOU!  I love you all! 


Finally, HOW AWESOME IS OUR GOD!!!!


Seriously, I think about all of the ways that he has guided me over the past 2 1/2 years.  I don't doubt for a second that he was preparing me for this day.  There are just way to many things that connect so perfectly.  Back in January 2012, I promised God that if he would help me battle my addiction to food and help me get healthy, that I would do it for His glory.  Today was all God, he orchestrated every last bit of this day and I will forever be grateful.  He has proved once again to be faithful, and my faith is so rock solid right now. 


So much more I could say, but I'll save it for another day.  Thank you all!

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Unstoppable

Tomorrow is the day that has been on my mind since January.  Nine months I have waited for this day, just as I waited for each of my precious babies to be born. 


I wanted to write something super inspiring tonight, but my head isn't clear enough.  There are all kinds of thoughts swirling through it.  So I'll just reflect on a few things.


This morning, my husband ran the TC 5K, it was his first race and he did a great job, I'm super proud of him.

The finish line for the 5K is the same as the finish line I will cross tomorrow, so I found myself getting pretty emotional a few times.  I have crossed it once before, in 2012, when I did the TC 10K.

I remember when running 6.2 miles seemed impossible.  After training for a marathon, 6 miles is a "shorter" run.

I am feeling a lot of emotions right now, but I think the most prevalent is excitement.  I believe so strongly that God is working through all of this, I can't wait to see what he does tomorrow. 

I've been reading two books lately that I feel have really prepared my heart for the journey I will take tomorrow.  A Glimpse of Jesus: The Stranger to Self-Hatred by Brennan Manning and Unstoppable by Christine Caine.

I highlighted so much in both of them, but I wanted to share a few of the quotes that have been on my mind as I prepare for tomorrow.

"When a disciple's every response, word, and decision is motivated by compassion, he has "put on Christ" and walks in the way of integrity.  Biblically, compassion means action." - Brennan Manning

"When we learn to focus on who God is rather than on what we are not, we see that it is God who is working in us to do the very thing he has purposed to do in our lives.  As we learn to run the race, accept his batons, and submit to his training, God's work in and through us is always growing and increasing.  Christ in us becomes an unstoppable force in our lives and is spilled out into the lives of others."  Christine Caine

I couldn't think of more appropriate words for what the last nine months have been about.


I would still greatly appreciate your prayers.  Mostly for my mind to stay positive and my focus on God and why I am running.  My right hip, left foot and left knee are all still a bit achy and sore, so I'm hoping that any trouble they give me tomorrow can be pushed through.  Pray for our entire team, I have grown to love the people that I am running with, I am just as excited for them to run and finish tomorrow.  Pray for the people who are being blessed with the water we are running for, that they would feel the love behind it and know that they are valued and loved.  Pray that it would be so completely obvious that God is doing something big here.


If you want to track me tomorrow, you can sign up here: http://athletetracker.cloudapp.net/ - I am listed as Tamara Kasal.

Thank you all so much for following along on this journey.  I look forward to updating you on the race!

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Leaves of Change

Yesterday my daughter gave me a leaf.  

It has dried up a bit since she gave it to me, but I was instantly fascinated by its beauty. I love how you can still see the green veins running through it, seeing the hint of the life that used to be.

As I stared at the leaf, taking in its beauty, I was thinking of how amazing God's creation is.  Even in something as simple as leaves changing color, we can see the beauty of death and resurrection.  As the leaves turn color and fall from the trees each autumn, it is one of the most beautiful sights we can feast our eyes on this side of heaven.  Though we are admiring what is essentially the death of a leaf, the loss of the leaf is necessary to ensure survival of the tree through the winter and into spring, when new life comes again.

As I'm in this season where God has been showing me that beauty comes when we put the baggage in our life to death and trust completely in his plan and promise, I loved the parallel.  I think it was another gift from the Holy Spirit, or I've just gotten really good at telling myself what I need to hear.  You see, the  logo for the Twin Cities Marathon….it's a leaf. 

As I'm running next Sunday, every time it gets difficult, all I will need to do to find focus will be to look up and find a beautiful tree with colorful leaves (of which there are many on the course) and I'll instantly be reminded of how beautiful death and resurrection can be. 

I've been digging into 2 Corinthians in the days before I step up to run 26.2 miles.  I was really moved by a few verses in chapter 4

But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.  We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.  For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh.  So death is at work in us, but life in you. (2 Corinthians 4:7-12, ESV)

In some churches today, there is so much focus on making wise choices, things that would ensure anyone would have a great life, with or without God, but none of it looks like death.  There is so much focus on behavior modification and little put on true heart transformation.  I feel like the goal is often to fight really hard to keep control of your life, make sure you had your shit together and look like a "good Christian".   But that isn't what we are promised or called to do as a Christian.

As a disciple of Christ, we are called to constantly be given over to death.  We need to constantly be listening for the Holy Spirit, discerning God's voice amid all of the other noise, finding places in our lives that need to be put to death to death for Jesus sake, so that Jesus can be manifested in our bodies.  Is there anything more beautiful than that?

I have read and heard this so many times in my life, but it wasn't until I actually did it that I started to understand how amazing this can be.  Is there something in your life that God wants you to put to death?  Do it today!  I promise, it won't be easy, it won't always look pretty, people might not think you have your shit together (and you might not), but it will be beautiful.  You will feel God's presence like you never have before and it will be worth it.

Since my last post, I have felt God's presence immensely.  I have hardly had any "dark" days and I had two really awesome runs with a pace that is unheard of for me.  I found a 2:1 run/walk ratio on my long runs that I believe will get me to the finish line with all of the continued support and prayers.

Death can be scary, and death can be beautiful.  Find the beauty and let His glory shine through you. 

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One more really exciting thing I wanted to share with you.  Today, World Vision featured my story on their blog.

   

I am so thankful to have the opportunity to share how God is working in my life - you can check it out here.  I'm hopeful that it will inspire others to run and to give the gift of water!

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A Little Help From My Friends

This weekend was difficult.

Saturday morning the kids and I set up at Summit Ave and West River Parkway to offer nourishment, water and encouragement to my fellow Team World Vision runners as they completed the 20 mile training run in preparation for the Twin Cities Marathon.

It was a beautiful day to run, the weather was perfect.  I was excited for them and yet, at the same time, I was struggling.

I felt stuck inside my head again, like I could get out and enjoy what my eyes were seeing.  My mind was flooded with all kinds of negative thoughts, as it often is.  Even though I had done my 20 mile and 23 mile runs previously, I was telling myself that they didn't count because I wasn't with the team.  It didn't count because it was so slow. 

This sounds ridiculous, because it is, but this is how my mind works.  I can find peace with things one day and the next day be right back to square one.  If you are frustrated and annoyed with this, I get it, I am equally as frustrated.   

Training for a marathon is difficult.  Training for a marathon while battling depression and anxiety, is even more difficult.  I used to tell myself that training for a marathon while still significantly overweight was the hard part, but now I know that making peace with the lies in my head is the hard part. 

It is a victory for me if I can get that voice to stop, if I can let the truth shine through the darkness that fills my head.  It has become so apparent to me that this race has very little to do with my physical strength and everything to do with mental strength.  Running is 95% mental for me.

Living with me the past few months has not been easy.  My kids and my husband have suffered greatly as I constantly try to find the light in the sea of darkness in my head.

Last night, instead of running, I decided I was going to spend the time in prayer and diving into God's truth to remind myself of all the things I have a hard time remembering when things get tough.   I spent three hours going from verse to verse, reading about God's power and all of the amazing things we are capable of when we have the Holy Spirit present within us.

I kept coming back to 2 Corinthians.  There is so much great stuff in 2 Corinthians.  I was especially drawn to 2 Corinthians 12:7-10.  I have read it and heard it so many times, but last night, it impacted me in a way it hasn't before.

So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited.  Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me.  But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

No one really knows what the thorn in Paul's flesh was that he begged to have removed, but when I read the portion of a messenger of Satan harassing him, I felt like that was something I could identify with. 

Since running this marathon is something that I felt like God wanted me to do, it has been challenging for me to know for what reason.  Is it so that I can succeed and know that the only way I was able to do it was through His power?  Is it so that I can fail, knowing that even in our failures, we're worthy of his love and grace?  I think both are completely loving and reasonable options.  I'm sure there are others that I haven't even considered…but I think that is the point, I'm supposed to stop considering these things and just trust in His plan for my life.

Last night and this morning, I have been consistently praying for two things:

1. That God would remind me of a time when I didn't think I was capable of something but He provided the strength to make it through.
2.  That God would remove the discouragement and negative self-talk from my head and replace it with faith and joy. 

This morning, on my way to work, I was thinking about how I occasionally have images of me crossing the finish line running through my head.  Shortly after I had that thought, I remembered another image I had at the beginning of my MBA program, another time in my life where I felt I didn't have what it takes.  On the first night of my program, they took us through Benson Great Hall at Bethel University, where our commencement would be.  As we were standing in the hall, the coordinator walked us through the ceremony  we would be part of upon completion of the program.  As we were standing in the hall, I had this image in my head of my husband standing in the back of the auditorium holding a little girl with a whole lot of dark hair.  At this time, we had no children and weren't planning on having them any time in the near future.  However, by the time I found myself walking across that stage to accept my diploma, not only did I have a beautiful little girl with gobs of beautiful, dark, hair, I also had another teeny tiny little baby growing in my womb.  

God gave me that vision and he fulfilled it, so I am praying that he will fulfill my finish line vision as well.  One prayer answered.

As we get closer to October 5th, I realize just how much I need the love and support of everyone who is willing to provide it.  So if you want to see God work big time, I'd love it if you would join me in praying for these things.

• Pray that I would find at least one other person to run with on the day of the marathon that would be running at a pace I could keep that would get me across that finish line.

 Due to schedule and pace, I often run alone.  However, the last two Wednesdays I've had the opportunity to run with members of my team.  I run so much better with other people, especially other women, at my side.  Sinead, Jen and Kiah, running with the three of you gave me hope when I needed it the most. 

For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them. Matthew 18:20

• Pray that the negative self-talk would stay away, starting now.  Pray that I would replace any darkness in my head with truth and joy and that I would be reminded daily of God's love for me.  Pray that I would keep my eyes focused on Jesus, nothing else. 

You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore. Psalm 16:11, ESV

• Pray that people would be moved to give and that I would reach my fundraising goal of providing clean water for 52 people.  Pray that people would see the sea of orange shirts along the course and be stirred to action.  Pray that our team would make a big impact in the lives of people in Africa. 

I am putting my body, my family and my emotions through crazy struggles because I believe so strongly in the work that World Vision is doing.  I believe that we can make a difference.  I want life and dignity restored to people who have been praying for it.  The sacrifice I'm making is minor compared to the sacrifice Jesus made for me and for all of us. 

And whoever gives one of these little ones even a cup of cold water because he is a disciple, truly, I say to you, he will by no means lose his reward. - Matthew 10:42, ESV

• Pray for healing and health for everyone on the team.

My left foot, left knee and right hip have been hurting quite a bit lately.  I know I'm not the only one struggling with aches and pains, pray that everyone would be healthy and strong on race day. 

• Pray that it would be unmistakable that everything being done through Team World Vision is for God's glory. 

I have a hard time remembering this one.  It is easy to make this about me, which has become quite obvious, but I want to make this about Him. 

The older I get, the more I'm aware of how much I need other people.  I spent so much of my life trying to be as self-sufficient as possible.  I wore self-sufficiency as a badge of honor, I was proud to never need to rely on others, and I'm realizing how lonely and empty that kind of life can be.  God created us for community.  We are each given different strengths that when used together, can create amazing things.   I am learning slowly how to do this and each day I see how selfish I have been.  I haven't done relationships well, and I’m hoping that this is a chance to start over and work on getting it right.

I'm leaving you with this song just because it wrecked me during worship last weekend.

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You Are Beautiful

As most of you probably already know, I'm currently training for a marathon.  A marathon that was never anything that I wanted to do, but something I felt God was telling me to do.

Here's the thing about training for a marathon, it is HARD.  No one says, hey, let's go run 23 miles because that sounds like a lot of fun, but that is what I did today....well, let me be clear, I don't want to give anyone the impression that I am actually able to keep a running speed for 23 miles, I have a hard time doing that for 3 miles some days.  Regardless, I jog/walked for 23 miles today.

A couple of weeks ago, I did a "long run" of 20 miles, which did not go well at all.  I was talking smack to myself the entire time.  I struggle so much with negative self talk, I say a lot of horrible things to myself.  So during my last run, I found myself in tears more than once and I wanted to quit six miles in.  But quitting isn't something I do easily.  I decided I was going to finish those 20 miles even if it meant walking most of them, and that is what happened.  

in case you don't believe me, here are a few pictures I took around mile eight as I stopped to pray and have a minor meltdown.

At least the scenery was nice.

Today, I was bound and determined not to let that happen again.  I needed to have a solid long run, my longest training run, so I could head into the marathon feeling somewhat confident.  I prayed so hard all week and all morning for a good run, and God really showed up for me today.

I was reminded at the end of a Team World Vision group run on Wednesday evening how much better running with a thankful heart goes for me, so that was my plan for today.  The weather was PERFECT today for running.  It was cool and cloudy, just the way I like it for a long run.  Something I was already thankful for.  I dropped the kiddos off and came back home to get ready and spend some more time in prayer before I headed out.  I finally made it out the door around 8:30 or so and I was off.

I made a deal with myself today.  Knowing that my GPS watch wouldn't last for my entire run, I knew I was going to have to use Run Keeper on my phone for part of the run.  I decided that I was going to run as long as I could using just my watch, and leave my phone alone to preserve battery power, which meant no music.  I knew I could get at least 17 miles in before my watch died, so my plan was 17 without music and then 6 with it.  This was largely successful for me because it allowed me to keep praying for all kinds of things and when I wasn't praying, I ended up repeating the chorus of Overwhelmed by Big Daddy Weave in my head over and over.  It helped keep my spirits up.  I can't get enough of that song lately.

One of my prayers as I was running today is that God would help me keep my focus on why I'm running, help me not worry about pace at all but just run comfortably and to stay injury free.  As I was praying and thanking God for a healthy, sturdy body with strong legs, the most strange and beautiful thing happened.

I was running along, thanking God for this body that has carried three large babies full term, for these legs that are strong and thick as small trees and lungs that just keep breathing, and then it hit me.  My marathon journey isn't going to be anything like anyone else's marathon journey.  No two people will have the same journey because no two people have the same story.  I am much larger than the average marathon runner, both in height and weight, and my pace is going to show it and I'm going to be ok with that because this isn't about me running a marathon.  

This is about kids getting clean water.  This is about having complete trust that God is transforming me through this process.  This is understanding that I am a new creation in Christ....seriously, I was the girl who cried the night before running the mile in gym class because I always came in last. (I drove by a boys soccer practice a few weeks ago and saw them lined up ready to run waiting for their coach to give them the signal and I still got sick to my stomach.)  I was the girl who got cut from the volleyball team mid season because I sucked and wasn't making any progress.  I was the girl who quit playing basketball because I couldn't handle always being the last one finishing line drills.  Athletics and I don't have a great history, but here I am, training to voluntarily line up to run 26.2 miles.

As I got near the 12 mile mark, I started to get really tired, my feet were really hurting and my back was super tight.  I stopped to fill my water bottle around mile 12.4 and glanced at my watch and looked at how long I had been running, a little over 3 hours.  I had a little over 10 miles to go and it would likely take me just as long, but I had hope that I'd be able to keep a pretty consistent 15:00/mile pace, which is right where my training pace should be.  I headed back feeling refreshed, like I could power through and finish this thing.  I was running along on the new boardwalk trail at Keller Lake Regional Park and suddenly I found myself flying through the air.  What goes up, must come down, and down I came, hard.  I sat there for a minute, in the middle of the boardwalk trying to figure out what just happened and I realized that my toe caught a bowed board that sticks up a little bit higher than the others and that sent me flying.  My knees and wrist, which broke my fall, hurt like crazy and my back that was already aching was now hurting worse.  

My banged up knee

I sat there for a while, and in about the span of 30 seconds went from crying in frustrating to laughing hysterically.  You see, when I fell, my watch must have jammed into my hand on impact and buttons were pushed and the 12.5 miles I just ran vanished into thin air.  No record of it whatsoever.  I was angry and frustrated and then I heard that voice say, "I thought we just decided that pace doesn't matter?"  Maybe I still need to work on that.

I dusted myself off, made sure to look around and verify that no one witnessed my fall, slowly got up and headed on my way, wind completely out of my sails.  I restarted my watch but had a really hard time continuing to stay positive and thus, continuing to keep running.  I decided I would get back on the trail towards home, which would bring me to about 17 miles.  Those 4.5 miles were rough, but I made it through.  

When I got back home, I contemplated stopping because I was just so tired and frustrated, but I decided to change my shoes and socks, grab the dog and head out to do 3 miles outside and then I'd reward myself with the final 3 on the treadmill where there is a bit more give.  Lena and I ended up doing 4 miles, so I had 2 left on the treadmill.  I had to use my phone to track mileage by this point, so the music was on!  I learned today that when I'm delirious and my lungs are working overtime, I can sing really loud and it doesn't sound all that bad.  I treated our neighborhood to a really nice version of Cemetery by Say Anything and Eavesdrop by The Civil Wars.  Focusing on the music kept me going.

We finally made it home and I jumped on the treadmill to finish up the last two miles.  Being able to pace myself correctly makes such a big difference.  Even pacing is one thing that I haven't been very successful at figuring out in my 2.5 years of running.  

When I finished, I headed upstairs to try and add together all of the pieces of my run since it ended up in fragments between my brain, my watch and my phone.  Before I got to them, I saw that I had a really encouraging message from someone I went to high school with on Facebook, it was timed so perfectly.  I then got back to the task at hand, added them all up, plugged it in and saw that it only took me a few more minutes than it took me to run 20 miles, which meant that my pace, although still not where I wanted it to be, was much better than last time.  A pace that is still quite a bit shy of anything that will allow me to finish the marathon in the course time and allow me to stay on the course.  The old me would decide at this point that nothing good could come of this and I should just bail right now, dignity in tact.  The new me is continuing to trust that God is doing something here.  As a friend reminded me on Wednesday after I was explaining that I had pretty much lost any hope of finishing, "You have Jesus, so you have hope."  

I'm riding on faith, I left fear in the dust a really long time ago.  I'm still not sure what God's plan is in all of this and I don't know what will happen on race day.  It might be miraculous leg strength and endurance, and it might be allowing me to realize that I had the courage to try something that I NEVER though possible.  Either way, people have access to clean water that they wouldn't have otherwise have.  

So if I head home on October 5th with no medal and no official time, I am honestly going to be alright with it.  My reward will be the laughter of kids drinking clean water, gardens growing food and lives being lived all because I was crazy enough to trust that God had a bigger and better plan for my life.

With all that being said, I need SO MUCH prayer to get me through this.  I'd like to get people lined up to be praying for me for each mile of the marathon.  So if you would be willing to pray before and day of, please throw down the miles you'd like to pray for in the comments.  I might have specific requests for specific miles, so I'll connect with you on those.

Also, I am at 43% of my goal and I would really love to reach 100%, providing water for 52 people.  We're down to 30 days here, so if you have been waiting, make today the day you give someone else the gift of clean water!

Take the Clean Water Challenge!!

Thanks for listening to me ramble.  I've been feeling like all this writing business is nonsense and not doing anyone any good, but every time I feel like throwing in the towel, someone tells me to keep going....so I will.  Thanks for reading!

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