Leaves of Change

Yesterday my daughter gave me a leaf.  

It has dried up a bit since she gave it to me, but I was instantly fascinated by its beauty. I love how you can still see the green veins running through it, seeing the hint of the life that used to be.

As I stared at the leaf, taking in its beauty, I was thinking of how amazing God's creation is.  Even in something as simple as leaves changing color, we can see the beauty of death and resurrection.  As the leaves turn color and fall from the trees each autumn, it is one of the most beautiful sights we can feast our eyes on this side of heaven.  Though we are admiring what is essentially the death of a leaf, the loss of the leaf is necessary to ensure survival of the tree through the winter and into spring, when new life comes again.

As I'm in this season where God has been showing me that beauty comes when we put the baggage in our life to death and trust completely in his plan and promise, I loved the parallel.  I think it was another gift from the Holy Spirit, or I've just gotten really good at telling myself what I need to hear.  You see, the  logo for the Twin Cities Marathon….it's a leaf. 

As I'm running next Sunday, every time it gets difficult, all I will need to do to find focus will be to look up and find a beautiful tree with colorful leaves (of which there are many on the course) and I'll instantly be reminded of how beautiful death and resurrection can be. 

I've been digging into 2 Corinthians in the days before I step up to run 26.2 miles.  I was really moved by a few verses in chapter 4

But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.  We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.  For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh.  So death is at work in us, but life in you. (2 Corinthians 4:7-12, ESV)

In some churches today, there is so much focus on making wise choices, things that would ensure anyone would have a great life, with or without God, but none of it looks like death.  There is so much focus on behavior modification and little put on true heart transformation.  I feel like the goal is often to fight really hard to keep control of your life, make sure you had your shit together and look like a "good Christian".   But that isn't what we are promised or called to do as a Christian.

As a disciple of Christ, we are called to constantly be given over to death.  We need to constantly be listening for the Holy Spirit, discerning God's voice amid all of the other noise, finding places in our lives that need to be put to death to death for Jesus sake, so that Jesus can be manifested in our bodies.  Is there anything more beautiful than that?

I have read and heard this so many times in my life, but it wasn't until I actually did it that I started to understand how amazing this can be.  Is there something in your life that God wants you to put to death?  Do it today!  I promise, it won't be easy, it won't always look pretty, people might not think you have your shit together (and you might not), but it will be beautiful.  You will feel God's presence like you never have before and it will be worth it.

Since my last post, I have felt God's presence immensely.  I have hardly had any "dark" days and I had two really awesome runs with a pace that is unheard of for me.  I found a 2:1 run/walk ratio on my long runs that I believe will get me to the finish line with all of the continued support and prayers.

Death can be scary, and death can be beautiful.  Find the beauty and let His glory shine through you. 

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One more really exciting thing I wanted to share with you.  Today, World Vision featured my story on their blog.

   

I am so thankful to have the opportunity to share how God is working in my life - you can check it out here.  I'm hopeful that it will inspire others to run and to give the gift of water!

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A Little Help From My Friends

This weekend was difficult.

Saturday morning the kids and I set up at Summit Ave and West River Parkway to offer nourishment, water and encouragement to my fellow Team World Vision runners as they completed the 20 mile training run in preparation for the Twin Cities Marathon.

It was a beautiful day to run, the weather was perfect.  I was excited for them and yet, at the same time, I was struggling.

I felt stuck inside my head again, like I could get out and enjoy what my eyes were seeing.  My mind was flooded with all kinds of negative thoughts, as it often is.  Even though I had done my 20 mile and 23 mile runs previously, I was telling myself that they didn't count because I wasn't with the team.  It didn't count because it was so slow. 

This sounds ridiculous, because it is, but this is how my mind works.  I can find peace with things one day and the next day be right back to square one.  If you are frustrated and annoyed with this, I get it, I am equally as frustrated.   

Training for a marathon is difficult.  Training for a marathon while battling depression and anxiety, is even more difficult.  I used to tell myself that training for a marathon while still significantly overweight was the hard part, but now I know that making peace with the lies in my head is the hard part. 

It is a victory for me if I can get that voice to stop, if I can let the truth shine through the darkness that fills my head.  It has become so apparent to me that this race has very little to do with my physical strength and everything to do with mental strength.  Running is 95% mental for me.

Living with me the past few months has not been easy.  My kids and my husband have suffered greatly as I constantly try to find the light in the sea of darkness in my head.

Last night, instead of running, I decided I was going to spend the time in prayer and diving into God's truth to remind myself of all the things I have a hard time remembering when things get tough.   I spent three hours going from verse to verse, reading about God's power and all of the amazing things we are capable of when we have the Holy Spirit present within us.

I kept coming back to 2 Corinthians.  There is so much great stuff in 2 Corinthians.  I was especially drawn to 2 Corinthians 12:7-10.  I have read it and heard it so many times, but last night, it impacted me in a way it hasn't before.

So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited.  Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me.  But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

No one really knows what the thorn in Paul's flesh was that he begged to have removed, but when I read the portion of a messenger of Satan harassing him, I felt like that was something I could identify with. 

Since running this marathon is something that I felt like God wanted me to do, it has been challenging for me to know for what reason.  Is it so that I can succeed and know that the only way I was able to do it was through His power?  Is it so that I can fail, knowing that even in our failures, we're worthy of his love and grace?  I think both are completely loving and reasonable options.  I'm sure there are others that I haven't even considered…but I think that is the point, I'm supposed to stop considering these things and just trust in His plan for my life.

Last night and this morning, I have been consistently praying for two things:

1. That God would remind me of a time when I didn't think I was capable of something but He provided the strength to make it through.
2.  That God would remove the discouragement and negative self-talk from my head and replace it with faith and joy. 

This morning, on my way to work, I was thinking about how I occasionally have images of me crossing the finish line running through my head.  Shortly after I had that thought, I remembered another image I had at the beginning of my MBA program, another time in my life where I felt I didn't have what it takes.  On the first night of my program, they took us through Benson Great Hall at Bethel University, where our commencement would be.  As we were standing in the hall, the coordinator walked us through the ceremony  we would be part of upon completion of the program.  As we were standing in the hall, I had this image in my head of my husband standing in the back of the auditorium holding a little girl with a whole lot of dark hair.  At this time, we had no children and weren't planning on having them any time in the near future.  However, by the time I found myself walking across that stage to accept my diploma, not only did I have a beautiful little girl with gobs of beautiful, dark, hair, I also had another teeny tiny little baby growing in my womb.  

God gave me that vision and he fulfilled it, so I am praying that he will fulfill my finish line vision as well.  One prayer answered.

As we get closer to October 5th, I realize just how much I need the love and support of everyone who is willing to provide it.  So if you want to see God work big time, I'd love it if you would join me in praying for these things.

• Pray that I would find at least one other person to run with on the day of the marathon that would be running at a pace I could keep that would get me across that finish line.

 Due to schedule and pace, I often run alone.  However, the last two Wednesdays I've had the opportunity to run with members of my team.  I run so much better with other people, especially other women, at my side.  Sinead, Jen and Kiah, running with the three of you gave me hope when I needed it the most. 

For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them. Matthew 18:20

• Pray that the negative self-talk would stay away, starting now.  Pray that I would replace any darkness in my head with truth and joy and that I would be reminded daily of God's love for me.  Pray that I would keep my eyes focused on Jesus, nothing else. 

You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore. Psalm 16:11, ESV

• Pray that people would be moved to give and that I would reach my fundraising goal of providing clean water for 52 people.  Pray that people would see the sea of orange shirts along the course and be stirred to action.  Pray that our team would make a big impact in the lives of people in Africa. 

I am putting my body, my family and my emotions through crazy struggles because I believe so strongly in the work that World Vision is doing.  I believe that we can make a difference.  I want life and dignity restored to people who have been praying for it.  The sacrifice I'm making is minor compared to the sacrifice Jesus made for me and for all of us. 

And whoever gives one of these little ones even a cup of cold water because he is a disciple, truly, I say to you, he will by no means lose his reward. - Matthew 10:42, ESV

• Pray for healing and health for everyone on the team.

My left foot, left knee and right hip have been hurting quite a bit lately.  I know I'm not the only one struggling with aches and pains, pray that everyone would be healthy and strong on race day. 

• Pray that it would be unmistakable that everything being done through Team World Vision is for God's glory. 

I have a hard time remembering this one.  It is easy to make this about me, which has become quite obvious, but I want to make this about Him. 

The older I get, the more I'm aware of how much I need other people.  I spent so much of my life trying to be as self-sufficient as possible.  I wore self-sufficiency as a badge of honor, I was proud to never need to rely on others, and I'm realizing how lonely and empty that kind of life can be.  God created us for community.  We are each given different strengths that when used together, can create amazing things.   I am learning slowly how to do this and each day I see how selfish I have been.  I haven't done relationships well, and I’m hoping that this is a chance to start over and work on getting it right.

I'm leaving you with this song just because it wrecked me during worship last weekend.

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You Are Beautiful

As most of you probably already know, I'm currently training for a marathon.  A marathon that was never anything that I wanted to do, but something I felt God was telling me to do.

Here's the thing about training for a marathon, it is HARD.  No one says, hey, let's go run 23 miles because that sounds like a lot of fun, but that is what I did today....well, let me be clear, I don't want to give anyone the impression that I am actually able to keep a running speed for 23 miles, I have a hard time doing that for 3 miles some days.  Regardless, I jog/walked for 23 miles today.

A couple of weeks ago, I did a "long run" of 20 miles, which did not go well at all.  I was talking smack to myself the entire time.  I struggle so much with negative self talk, I say a lot of horrible things to myself.  So during my last run, I found myself in tears more than once and I wanted to quit six miles in.  But quitting isn't something I do easily.  I decided I was going to finish those 20 miles even if it meant walking most of them, and that is what happened.  

in case you don't believe me, here are a few pictures I took around mile eight as I stopped to pray and have a minor meltdown.

At least the scenery was nice.

Today, I was bound and determined not to let that happen again.  I needed to have a solid long run, my longest training run, so I could head into the marathon feeling somewhat confident.  I prayed so hard all week and all morning for a good run, and God really showed up for me today.

I was reminded at the end of a Team World Vision group run on Wednesday evening how much better running with a thankful heart goes for me, so that was my plan for today.  The weather was PERFECT today for running.  It was cool and cloudy, just the way I like it for a long run.  Something I was already thankful for.  I dropped the kiddos off and came back home to get ready and spend some more time in prayer before I headed out.  I finally made it out the door around 8:30 or so and I was off.

I made a deal with myself today.  Knowing that my GPS watch wouldn't last for my entire run, I knew I was going to have to use Run Keeper on my phone for part of the run.  I decided that I was going to run as long as I could using just my watch, and leave my phone alone to preserve battery power, which meant no music.  I knew I could get at least 17 miles in before my watch died, so my plan was 17 without music and then 6 with it.  This was largely successful for me because it allowed me to keep praying for all kinds of things and when I wasn't praying, I ended up repeating the chorus of Overwhelmed by Big Daddy Weave in my head over and over.  It helped keep my spirits up.  I can't get enough of that song lately.

One of my prayers as I was running today is that God would help me keep my focus on why I'm running, help me not worry about pace at all but just run comfortably and to stay injury free.  As I was praying and thanking God for a healthy, sturdy body with strong legs, the most strange and beautiful thing happened.

I was running along, thanking God for this body that has carried three large babies full term, for these legs that are strong and thick as small trees and lungs that just keep breathing, and then it hit me.  My marathon journey isn't going to be anything like anyone else's marathon journey.  No two people will have the same journey because no two people have the same story.  I am much larger than the average marathon runner, both in height and weight, and my pace is going to show it and I'm going to be ok with that because this isn't about me running a marathon.  

This is about kids getting clean water.  This is about having complete trust that God is transforming me through this process.  This is understanding that I am a new creation in Christ....seriously, I was the girl who cried the night before running the mile in gym class because I always came in last. (I drove by a boys soccer practice a few weeks ago and saw them lined up ready to run waiting for their coach to give them the signal and I still got sick to my stomach.)  I was the girl who got cut from the volleyball team mid season because I sucked and wasn't making any progress.  I was the girl who quit playing basketball because I couldn't handle always being the last one finishing line drills.  Athletics and I don't have a great history, but here I am, training to voluntarily line up to run 26.2 miles.

As I got near the 12 mile mark, I started to get really tired, my feet were really hurting and my back was super tight.  I stopped to fill my water bottle around mile 12.4 and glanced at my watch and looked at how long I had been running, a little over 3 hours.  I had a little over 10 miles to go and it would likely take me just as long, but I had hope that I'd be able to keep a pretty consistent 15:00/mile pace, which is right where my training pace should be.  I headed back feeling refreshed, like I could power through and finish this thing.  I was running along on the new boardwalk trail at Keller Lake Regional Park and suddenly I found myself flying through the air.  What goes up, must come down, and down I came, hard.  I sat there for a minute, in the middle of the boardwalk trying to figure out what just happened and I realized that my toe caught a bowed board that sticks up a little bit higher than the others and that sent me flying.  My knees and wrist, which broke my fall, hurt like crazy and my back that was already aching was now hurting worse.  

My banged up knee

I sat there for a while, and in about the span of 30 seconds went from crying in frustrating to laughing hysterically.  You see, when I fell, my watch must have jammed into my hand on impact and buttons were pushed and the 12.5 miles I just ran vanished into thin air.  No record of it whatsoever.  I was angry and frustrated and then I heard that voice say, "I thought we just decided that pace doesn't matter?"  Maybe I still need to work on that.

I dusted myself off, made sure to look around and verify that no one witnessed my fall, slowly got up and headed on my way, wind completely out of my sails.  I restarted my watch but had a really hard time continuing to stay positive and thus, continuing to keep running.  I decided I would get back on the trail towards home, which would bring me to about 17 miles.  Those 4.5 miles were rough, but I made it through.  

When I got back home, I contemplated stopping because I was just so tired and frustrated, but I decided to change my shoes and socks, grab the dog and head out to do 3 miles outside and then I'd reward myself with the final 3 on the treadmill where there is a bit more give.  Lena and I ended up doing 4 miles, so I had 2 left on the treadmill.  I had to use my phone to track mileage by this point, so the music was on!  I learned today that when I'm delirious and my lungs are working overtime, I can sing really loud and it doesn't sound all that bad.  I treated our neighborhood to a really nice version of Cemetery by Say Anything and Eavesdrop by The Civil Wars.  Focusing on the music kept me going.

We finally made it home and I jumped on the treadmill to finish up the last two miles.  Being able to pace myself correctly makes such a big difference.  Even pacing is one thing that I haven't been very successful at figuring out in my 2.5 years of running.  

When I finished, I headed upstairs to try and add together all of the pieces of my run since it ended up in fragments between my brain, my watch and my phone.  Before I got to them, I saw that I had a really encouraging message from someone I went to high school with on Facebook, it was timed so perfectly.  I then got back to the task at hand, added them all up, plugged it in and saw that it only took me a few more minutes than it took me to run 20 miles, which meant that my pace, although still not where I wanted it to be, was much better than last time.  A pace that is still quite a bit shy of anything that will allow me to finish the marathon in the course time and allow me to stay on the course.  The old me would decide at this point that nothing good could come of this and I should just bail right now, dignity in tact.  The new me is continuing to trust that God is doing something here.  As a friend reminded me on Wednesday after I was explaining that I had pretty much lost any hope of finishing, "You have Jesus, so you have hope."  

I'm riding on faith, I left fear in the dust a really long time ago.  I'm still not sure what God's plan is in all of this and I don't know what will happen on race day.  It might be miraculous leg strength and endurance, and it might be allowing me to realize that I had the courage to try something that I NEVER though possible.  Either way, people have access to clean water that they wouldn't have otherwise have.  

So if I head home on October 5th with no medal and no official time, I am honestly going to be alright with it.  My reward will be the laughter of kids drinking clean water, gardens growing food and lives being lived all because I was crazy enough to trust that God had a bigger and better plan for my life.

With all that being said, I need SO MUCH prayer to get me through this.  I'd like to get people lined up to be praying for me for each mile of the marathon.  So if you would be willing to pray before and day of, please throw down the miles you'd like to pray for in the comments.  I might have specific requests for specific miles, so I'll connect with you on those.

Also, I am at 43% of my goal and I would really love to reach 100%, providing water for 52 people.  We're down to 30 days here, so if you have been waiting, make today the day you give someone else the gift of clean water!

Take the Clean Water Challenge!!

Thanks for listening to me ramble.  I've been feeling like all this writing business is nonsense and not doing anyone any good, but every time I feel like throwing in the towel, someone tells me to keep going....so I will.  Thanks for reading!

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