Timing is Everything, and God's is Always Perfect

I just got done cursing, literally, the F bomb was used, winter.  I may have also beaten the ever living crap out of a pile of snow on the side of our driveway that I slip on every blessed day while I unbuckle/buckle my son in and out of his car seat.  I may have some anger issues. 


Normally, I can regain my balance, but tonight, I slipped and fell flat on my butt, messing up my back completely.  This came at the end of a Friday, where I unexpectedly had to pick up the kids from daycare and preschool.  Kids who were dripping wet from playing in the melting snow and screaming at me because they were hungry and for some reason thought we were having McDonald's, which wasn't the case.


It was the last straw and I had a major meltdown.  I have a lot of those.


I violently threw the snow pants and coats in the door and onto the couch as I went back outside to have my way with a shovel and the pile of snow. 


I'm done with winter.  I just can't handle it anymore.  I need the snow to be gone.  I need to not have to keep track of hats and mittens and snow pants anymore.


By Friday evening, I am generally completely exhausted, and looking forward to two days by myself with the kids as my "weekend break" is just a little bit too overwhelming sometimes.  Today was one of those times. 


I don't get to be tired.  I don't get to be sick.  I have to keep it all together or this family would fall to pieces in an instant.


So I spent the last hour or so crying and avoiding eye contact with everyone in our house.  I am a real gem to live with sometimes.  I think I am on par with female inmates when my "bucket" is empty.  I turn straight up savage. 


James decided to take the kids into our bedroom to watch a movie while I try to bake a cheesecake...I think he figured it would probably be the only way that everyone would survive the evening alive.  There were a few too many hands on my eggs and about three too many little voices asking too many questions.  It wasn't pretty.


I don't have the patience being a mom requires most days.  I can just imagine the therapy my children are going to need someday.   


As I was finishing the crust for said cheesecake, I heard Chewbacca call to me, indicating that I had a new e-mail.  (I don't even like Star Wars, I just think it is funny.)


I decided to check it quickly and it was from St. Paul Public Schools.  I was almost too scared to look at it.  The outcome of this e-mail would determine the fate of my daughter's education (Kindergarten, it's a big deal) and most certainly my mood for the remainder of the evening.  You see, we'd already received two other e-mails of the sort from charter schools indicating that we were so far down on their waiting list that there was no chance of getting in.  Things haven't been very promising.


Nevertheless, I squinted and went for it.  Here is what I saw:

Joy ensued.  


FINALLY!  After multiple rejections, we received acceptance into the ONLY Public School in our district that I felt comfortable sending my daughter too.   


God knew just what I needed to get me through the rest of this evening and weekend.  This news came at the perfect time.


God provides the right things at the right time.  If I had gotten this news next week, as expected, I would have been excited, but it wouldn't have been as meaningful as it was tonight.  Tonight, it gave me some much needed hope to cover one of the holes in my bucket so I can slowly start to fill it back up.


Bring on the weekend.


au revoir

Continue Reading...

When "They" Become Real People

I've been struggling to get so many of these words out for a long time.  No words seem to do justice to explain what I have been feeling in my heart.

 

I have been having an internal struggle for the last couple of years when it comes to what I feel is a division in The Church that is growing wider and wider.  There are those that will preach "the Truth" and follow The Bible and everything in it to a T, freely calling out and addressing sin.  Then, there are those that tend to cling tightly to the words and character of Jesus, focusing on love and not judging others for their sins.  The chasm between these two worlds just gets bigger and bigger, homosexuality seems to be the fault line on which this division has been created, and on which is keeps expanding.

 

As I wrestled with both sides of this, I just felt sick to my stomach.  I couldn't find a place to rest easily, both ways seemed right to me, but it seemed as though I needed to pick one.  I did what I always do when I find myself unsure of things, I started to pray.  I prayed frequently that God would show me his heart on this.  That I would understand how he views people who might be living a life that the Bible might consider "sinful".

 

Over the past five to six months, God has turned my world upside down.  I have understood so much more about his love, grace and mercy now than ever before.  I started to see how he loved the "woman caught in adultery", how he talked with the Samaritan woman at the well, how he dined with tax collectors and sinners.  I saw how he delighted in me, even though I pretty much suck as a human being.  As I was listening to a message one day about this, I very clearly heard God say to me, "this is what you prayed for".  It became very clear to me that God really means it when he wants us to love others and not judge or condemn them.  Yes, he also wants us to call each other out when we are being sinful, but we can't do that the way that he did.

 

You see, Jesus loved people in a way that we can't love people.  He would look into a person's eyes and know everything about them, see everything that they had done and love them anyway and tell them to go and sin no more.  We can't do that.  For us to even get to the point where we can love someone so much that us bringing their sin to light becomes love and not judgment requires time and a whole lot of vulnerability.  We can't get to this point if we aren't in constant fellowship with someone.

 

It isn't until you reach this point that people become more than "they" or "those".  We are so quick to lump everyone together, "those evangelicals", "those homosexuals", "the abortionists", "the fundamentalists".  Both sides do this, and it always minimizes the souls of the people involved.  It is easy to say "they are horrible" when you don't have an image in your head or recollection of a conversation that you had with someone you know and love.  We can't really stop and appreciate people for who they are until we take the time to get to know them.  If you haven't really taken the time to get to know someone, allowed your faults to be shown and been vulnerable with them, and them with you, then for you to make any kind of remark about them or the life they are living is judgment. 

 

This week, World Vision, a charitable organization that is near and dear to my heart, made the announcement that they were going to allow Christians in Same-Sex Marriages to work for them (and decision that just as I finished writing this has now been reversed).  This created a frenzy on the internet and both "sides" weighed in.  Again, I found myself feeling torn, wondering what "the right" stance on this should be.  The more I thought about it, prayed about it and sought The Word about it, I keep coming back to the idea that we shouldn't be withholding the ability to serve Jesus from anyone.  It isn't for us to determine who is wrong and who is right, we shouldn't be arguing about it, it is getting in the way of us simply serving the least of these.

 

I have been trying to figure out my calling lately, and trying to identify what exactly it is that breaks my heart the most and what I want to do about it.  The thing that keeps coming up in my mind is that I want to be the person who shows love to the unlovely.  I want to see the unseen.  I want to relieve the burdens of those whose burden is to much for them to carry. 

 

I keep replaying the words of Jesus to the woman caught in adultery in John 8:10-11

 

"Jesus stood up and said to her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?" She said, "No one , Lord. And Jesus said, "Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more." (ESV)

 

I looked up the word "condemn" at Merriam-Webster, because I felt as though many of the statements made yesterday by those who disagreed with World Vision's decision, because it sure felt like they were condemning those in same sex marriages, and now, basically, World Vision as an entity.

con·demn

 transitive verb \kən-ˈdem\

: to say in a strong and definite way that someone or something is bad or wrong
: to give (someone) a usually severe punishment

: to cause (someone) to suffer or live in difficult or unpleasant conditions

 

There are many who have been condemned by Christian leaders and churches and I just don't believe that it is what Jesus would want us to do.


Grace is scandalous.  It doesn't feel right, the people who do wrong should be punished.  But that is the thing, we've all done wrong.  It isn't always going to be black and white, we won't ever fully understand it because we aren't God.

 

How lucky are most of us that our sins aren't tied to our innate desire for companionship and love.  We were created to be in relationships.  I won't for a second try to pretend that I have any idea what it would be like to be faced with that and also desire a relationship with Jesus.  I would love to think that God would be enough to fill the void, but I know how often I struggle to have Him be enough in my life as it is now.

 

All I'm requesting that people do is to consider that there are real people behind the "they".    I read a blog post by Benjamin Moberg last night, he is a gay Christian.  I couldn't shake the tears for quite a while after I read this

 

"I’ve been sitting in a swell of sad for a couple hours, because this is what I’m hearing: No, you aren’t even worthy to serve hungry children. You are so deeply unwanted that I will let a child die if it keeps you away from me. From us. From the body of Christ. I will spare no life if it keeps you far away."

 

I can't be a part of anything that would cause another human being to feel this way.  We have ALL sinned and yet Jesus died for us.  When you fully understand the extent of your own sin, you fully understand the extent of God's grace.  I don't believe for a minute that any homosexual in America doesn't know what the Bible says about sin.  I guarantee you they feel the weight, they are very aware.  We aren't doing them any favors by constantly reminding them of this from behind computer screens or upon pulpits.  We have to sit down at the table with them and start to understand who they are.  We need to trust that God has this in his control.  It isn't ours to figure out.   

 

As I was reading through John 12 today, this portion stuck out to me in verse 42 and 43.

 

"Nevertheless, many even of the authorities believed in him, but for fear of the Pharisees they did not confess it, so that they would not be put out of the synagogue; for they loved the glory that comes from man more than the glory that comes from God." 

 

How great the faith of those whom The Church has deemed too sinful or too unworthy to make their love of God known.  How courageous they must be to even step foot into a church where they are inviting disapproving glances and judgment upon themselves.  They have chosen the glory of God over the glory of man, of that I am sure.  The kind of faith that they have, to know and trust in God's goodness and mercy, even when the rest of the world is telling them that they aren't worthy of it, is admirable.  Oh, that I would have faith like them. 


I could be wrong.  I could be reading, interpreting and feeling all of the wrong things.  But my heart just can't seem to settle any other way on this.  If I'm wrong, I pray that God would make it known to me. 

Continue Reading...

I Hold You

I wrote this on Saturday morning in my journal and I'm finally getting around to sharing it now.

-----------------------------------------------------

It is 5:45 in the morning.  I am in a hotel in Cedar Rapids, Iowa.  I should be sleeping, but I can't.

 

The sounds of two of my children breathing deeply as they sleep fill the air.  I am lighting the page on which I write with the glow of my cell phone so as not to disturb said sleeping children.

 

I was laying here, trying to get back to sleep, when I heard that still, small voice say something to me that triggered a barrage of thoughts. I had to start writing it down to make it stop.  God does this to me frequently, he gives me words when I'm trying to fall asleep or he wakes up in the middle of the night.  It is really quite annoying.  The times that I have the clarity and the worlds to write are all of the times when writing is incredibly inconvenient.

 

I was thinking about how much easier life is without our two year old around, with two rather than three children.  You see, we only have the "older" two along for a weekend road trip to St. Louis for a wedding.  Two compared to the three that we have is a walk in the park.  It isn't because I love my little Oskar pants any less than I love the other two, no, I love that kid to pieces.  How could you not love a kid who follows me around saying, "I want hold you", has been nicknamed Browser for his eyebrow acrobatics and has his own signature dance move called "The Creep"?  He is so lovable and silly and I miss him dearly, and yet, I welcome the break. 

Sometimes, being responsible for a five, four and two year old is just too much.  Quiet is hard to come by and time to myself is infrequent. 


My mind is constantly in motion.  Constantly thinking, analyzing and dreaming up something.  When I don't have time to be alone with my thoughts, anything else seems like too much.  Such is the life of an introvert. 


Sometimes, at the end of the day, when I am trying to work something out in my head, or trying to get something done, the "I want hold you" becomes too much.


Sometimes, when I actually have a chance to be alone with my thoughts, talking to God is just too much.   It doesn't mean that I don't love God and that he isn't important to me.  It doesn't mean that he requires as much from me as my two year old does, but sometimes, I make it that way. 

 

Sometimes, at the end of the day, the time when God calls me to find my rest in him, I push him away, because his goodness is just too much.  Resting in him would mean diving back into those thoughts, dodging bullets to pull together a coherent thought and actually produce something of substance worthy enough to speak to him…and that is just too much.

 

But this isn't God's requirement, this is my self-contrived expectation of who God wants me to be, which happens to be false.

 

What I heard God so clearly say to me this morning is, "I want to hold you.  Nothing more." Sometimes, at the end of the day, God is alright with open arms waiting for you to collapse safely into them.  He doesn't require anything of you other than your love.  A love which is very visible when you collapse into your Father's arms.  You don't fall willingly into the arms of someone you don't love and trust. 

 

God just wants to hold you. 


Simply holding any of my children while we sit in silence is one of my favorite things to do.  I'm thankful that I have one that still enjoys it as much as I do.  There is something beautiful about sitting together in silence.

 

I read a tweet by Jonathan Martin the other day that really struck me because it has been so true in my life.  "My aversion to pain & my aversion to prayer have been intrinsically connected. Avoiding our discomfort is avoiding the Comforter."

 

Sometimes, prayer is just too painful.  Prayer requires us to look deep into our hearts and find those things that need to be exposed, things that we've safely tucked away into the corner.  But we have to dive into the pain, pull it out and lay it at the feet of our great and mighty Comforter if we are to find rest.

 

In those times where it is just to hard, I am thankful that we can rely on the intercession of the Holy Spirit who knows what we need God to know in those moments.  I am thankful that a sigh to deep for words to express can be turned into the beautiful song of surrender through the power of the Spirit.

 

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. (Romans 8:26-27, ESV)

 

So next time you feel overwhelmed, next time you just need to be alone with your thoughts, remember that God is pleased with simply holding you.  He always has been, he always will be.  He knows what you need, even if you don't.  So let him hold you, I promise you won't be disappointed. 

 

Continue Reading...

From Deliverance to Freedom

Since we're still getting to know each other, I figure it is as good of time as any to tell you that I am an incredibly broken individual.  I've kind of always been that way, at least as long as I can remember.  As early as 6 or 7, I can remember trying to go to sleep at night but not being able to because I just kept replaying every big mistake I'd ever made in my head.  Like the time I broke my grandparent's ice cube tray because I tried to crack it over my knee like I'd seen my dad do many times before.  Or the time I tried to push my dad's pickup back up the hill after my sister had put it in reverse.  The time I destroyed the wall in the bedroom I shared with my sister during the middle of the night because I thought a fly was on the wall but it was really just a shadow.....these are all really stupid, minor things to replay or dwell on, but they were huge to me.


I've always been prone to concentrate on my shortcomings, rarely able to find the joy or the good in situations.  Choosing joy and thankfulness is extremely difficult for me.


The past few months have been no exception.  I kept finding myself at the end of the day saying to myself, "I really don't think I can possibly be more broken than I am right now", only to find myself saying the exact same thing the next night.  God just kept breaking my heart, little by little each day, and I finally came to my senses long enough one evening a few weeks ago to actually stop and listen to see what He was trying to say to me.


I pulled out my Bible and started reading Psalm 34.  It wasn't planned, I just happened to pick it.


Psalm 34:18 says, "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." (ESV)


As soon as I got done reading that, I was a mess.  It was an ugly cry, followed by an enormous hug from God.


I started to look into all of the other verses that were referenced with Psalm 34:18 and just kept finding more of the same.


Psalm 51:17 - The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. (ESV)


Psalm 147:3 - He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. (ESV)


As I was reading through verse after verse about how much God cares about the broken hearted, I got this visual in my mind of someone pouring water into a cup that used to have milk in it and I heard God so clearly say to me, "You need to be completely empty before I can fill you back up."  I quickly grabbed my pen and started writing this frantically in my journal.

When we have emptied our hearts of everything, God is there to fill it back up.  The heart has to be emptied for it to be fully engulfed in the Father's love.  Before it is completely empty, anything left in the heart would simply mix together with the good stuff, tainting and destroying its goodness, much like when you pour water into a glass that had milk in it without first rinsing it.  The purity is gone and you are left with a cloudy substance that no one actually wants.  The leftover contents corrupt the new life, making it less perfect.  For only perfect love, in a completely empty heart, will cast out fear.

Hitting "rock bottom" is absolutely the best gift that God can give us.  It is then, and only then, that those of us who have tried to find life from the things of this world will ever fully realize that there is nothing here that will give us everlasting life, the water that will quench the unquenchable thirst. (John 4:13-15)  

When we have emptied our hearts of all the fear, all the failure, all the lust, all the pride and come to Him, completely broken, contrite and humble, then, and only then, can he take our heart, bind it up, purify it and fill it with his Spirit.  No mixing the good and the bad, just pure, clean, honest and true love and life.

God isn't interested in the details of how we get to this place.  In the story of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15:11-24), when the son is giving his apology, the father cuts him off and tells the servants to bring the fattened calf.  He wasn't interested in why his son had returned or what he had done when he was away.  He was simply grateful that he had come, broken, repentant and desperately in need of unfailing love.  Deep down, I believe that all any of us really want is to be delighted in, and God has always delighted in every single one of us. 

After spending some time reflecting on these verses and talking with God, I came across a picture of a friend of my husband's family, in his last days of life, embracing his granddaughter, both had their eyes closed and huge smiles on their faces.  It was a beautiful picture that perfectly captured the love that they had for each other.  Tears just began to fall and I couldn't figure out why the picture had moved me so much, and then it hit me, this is what it is to be delighted in. 


As someone who has never felt worthy of love from anyone, being delighted in is a foreign concept to me.  It isn't that I don't have people in my life who love me, I have many, it is that I have just never been able to receive it because I never found anything worthy of being loved within me.  As I sat there, in tears, I felt and saw an image in my head of Jesus hugging me, right then and there, telling me that He delighted in me.  In that moment, everything changed.  In that moment I moved from deliverance to freedom and I want everyone else to know how to get there.


So that is why I'm here.  That is why I write.  It scares me and I've been putting this off for months, but I am finally being obedient to what I feel like God has called me to do.  There are so many people who have known Jesus for all or most of their life, who have said "yes" to secure their spot in heaven, but still live, like I did, completely weighed down by their circumstances and not walking in the freedom that comes from the perfect love of Christ.  As Christine Caine said, "Why settle for deliverance when you can have freedom?" 


Freedom is where it is at folks.  I pray that you find your way there.    
 

Continue Reading...