Sometime during winter, I was laying in bed at night, reading a book, when out of no where I heard that ever familiar, still, small voice say to me "do the marathon".
This was particularly interesting because I wasn't even thinking about running at that moment. In fact, my only thoughts related to running at that point were along the lines of, "how little can I do without losing all the progress I have made". This was due to a bruised ego after a less than stellar performance at the Monster Dash Half Marathon, where I ran with Team World Vision. I had poured myself into training, hoping to improve my previous half marathon time, only to find myself feeling ready to quit six miles into the race.
Still, I was intrigued by this prompting to "do the marathon". Out of curiosity, I looked up a few marathon training plans to see if training for a marathon would even be an option for me during this season of life. After looking at a couple plans, I quickly deemed it impossible and pushed that voice to the back of my head, after all, running a marathon was nowhere on my bucket list, heck, I don't even have a bucket list.
I continued on with life as usual. Every once in a while, that voice would creep back in and I would continue to laugh at the absurdity of me running a marathon and I'd continue to ignore it.
But then, in March, World Vision blew up in the Christian blog sphere with a press release announcing that they were going to allow married homosexuals to work for them. (I wrote my thoughts about it here.) There was a huge backlash from many evangelicals, which ultimately resulted in them reversing their decision a few days after the announcement. A few weeks after the dust had settled, I read an interview with Richard Stearns, the President of World Vision, discussing the events that had transpired. It was then that I learned that people upset with their decision had withdrawn from their child sponsorships leaving 10,000 children without sponsors. I felt sick to my stomach and knew in that moment that I had to do something. I'm not sure if the sickness was due to the injustice that I felt or the fear of knowing what I needed to do.
While all of these thoughts were running through my head, I had been listening to the last sermon series that Jonathan Martin preached at Renovatus Church. Pastor Jonathan has been going through a season of life that has very much aligned with the season that I have found myself in. So much of what he spoke in the "40" series found its way into big cracks in my heart and soul that desperately needed to be filled with the love and mercy that only comes from Jesus. In one particular message, Resuscitation... or Resurrection?, Jonathan talks about how much easier and safer it is to chose resuscitation over resurrection.
Here is the synopsis from the podcast
We only think we want resurrection. To surrender to resurrection means we have to first surrender to the great unknown, death, to fling headlong into the mystery of night. We cannot know resurrection is coming--we can only hope for it. Even so, to cling to a mere form of life that is no longer vibrant is to choose no life at all. If resurrection is even a hope for us, there is no alternative except the most terrible of human feats--letting go. (http://renovatuschurch.com/media)
As I digested what he said in the message, I started asking God what needed to "die" in my life. What did I need to get rid of so that God can do something new in my life? I quickly realized that what I needed to put to death was my propensity for perfection, for always being the one with the answers, for only doing things that I know will lead to success as well as the complete lack of grace I have for myself.
All of these thoughts and voices collided and in the swirl of noise in my head, I very clearly heard from God that "doing the marathon" was how he wanted me to put some of these things to death.
You see, I am extremely slow and still about 60 pounds overweight. My best half marathon time is around 3 hours. The Medtronic Twin Cities Marathon course is only open for 6:15 minutes. It would take a miracle for me to finish before the course is closed. I kept doing the numbers in my head, trying to figure out why in the world I should do this when it is likely going to end in failure....or at least what I would consider failure, and that is what has to die.
So, against all rational judgement, I decided to listen to that voice in my head and in the biggest leap of faith I have ever taken in my life, I jumped in and joined Team World Vision for the Twin Cities Marathon.
I don't know what God is going to do here, but I know he is teaching me something about what failure is and isn't, and, what I am and am not in control of. This is about trusting that God has a bigger and better plan for me than I could ever have imagined for myself. This is about giving myself permission to do something that I can't predict the outcome to. This is about taking the focus off of what I can't do, and instead, putting the focus on being thankful for what I can do. This may end with me finishing the race, but with no official time. This may end with me not finishing the race at all. I really don't know. What I do know is that I am training to finish well and as strong as someone can possibly finish running 26.2 miles and I'm leaving the rest up to Him.
I have made Ephesians 1:15-23 my training verses, specifically focusing on verse 19, which I can't even read without welling up with tears
For this reason, because I have heard of your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love toward all the saints, I do not cease to give thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers, that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of him, having the eyes of your hearts enlightened, that you may know what is the hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and what is the immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe, according to the working of his great might that he worked in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly places, far above all rule and authority and power and dominion, and above every name that is named, not only in this age but also in the one to come. And he put all things under his feet and gave him as head over all things to the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills all in all. (Ephesians 1:15-23, ESV)
It is so hard for me to comprehend that the same spirit that brought resurrection for Jesus is within me. I so rarely feel worthy of receiving it and so infrequently allow it to work in me, but this is the hope to which he has called me and every one of you that puts your trust in Him. It is a beautiful thing.
I covet your prayers as I take this journey. I think part of what God is trying to teach me is that we never really arrive anywhere, we are always on a journey. Trusting Jesus as our guide is what makes the journey so amazing.
I would be incredibly honored if you would consider contributing toward my goal of providing clean water for 50 people. If you are interested and able, please check out my donation page.
No comments:
Post a Comment