I
started this post back in May, I never finished or hit publish because I had a
hard time completing my thoughts and I was a bit nervous about how it would be
received. However, with all of the
blogs, posts and thoughts I'm reading today related to suicide, depression and
mental illness surrounding Robin Williams' tragic death, I wanted to add my
experience to the mix. So here it is.
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Cheese.
It was
cheese that made me realize that I am not ok.
There I
stood, in the middle of Target, staring at cheese for 5 minutes when the tears
just started to pour down my face.
But it
wasn't about the cheese.
It was
about always having to make decisions, always having the answer to questions
like, "Did you have anything planned for dinner tonight?"
I didn't.
I wandered
the aisles of Target trying to find something that sounded appetizing and
wouldn't require much effort on my part and yet still offered some kind of
nutritional value and I came up empty.
So there I
stood, staring at the cheese wondering what kind of cheese would be good for a
grilled cheese sandwich because plain old American just wouldn't do, and I
couldn't decide, I didn't want to decide.
If I'm
honest, the only thing I've wanted to do since March is crawl in my bed
and sleep. Simply existing seems to require too much effort, and yet, I
have to keep moving, there are too many little people depending on me.
For as
long as I can remember, I've battled with feeling this way. I go through
periods of life where everything seems fine, some longer than others, but I
always seem to end up back here, where I feel stuck inside of my own
head. I can see the world going on around me, I know how I want to react,
but I can't seem to get out from behind my eyes. I realize that this
probably doesn't make any sense, but that is the only way to describe the way I
feel most days. I feel stuck behind my eyes and I hate it.
It would
be easy to quit. To give up and give in, to live underneath the covers,
safe in my own little cocoon. But I know that there is a better way.
So I
fight. I keep trying to find the joy. I keep trying to find the way
out of my head. I force myself to get through the day. I lace up my
running shoes and move when standing still would be so much easier. I
take the little pink pill each night that allows me to get through the days
without crying multiple times. I continue to ask God for healing, I
beg to just be able to experience the joy in my life, the joy
that I know is there but I have a really hard time finding.
I think,
in our society, mental health is not regarded as highly as it should be.
People are afraid to discuss their issues, talking about mental health is
taboo. It shouldn't be this way. There is too much at stake.
Lives are being lost, figuratively and literally.
There is
no shame in talking about it....at least there shouldn't be. There is no
shame in getting help.
If you
struggle with feeling like something isn't quite right, just know that you
aren't alone. It doesn't make you a bad person. It doesn't mean
that you aren't a good enough Christian. It doesn't mean that YOU are
broken, it just means that we live in a broken world.
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Since I wrote this, I've come out of this fog a bit, but I am definitely still struggling. I still have days where I have a hard time not crying at the drop of a hat (today would be one of them). I still have a hard time doing all of the things that a normal grown up adult has to do. I likely always will.
So much of
what I read focuses on awareness and education, making sure people know what
mental illness looks like, and while I think that is important, I don't think
it is the answer. Other people
understanding what I'm dealing with isn't going to make what I’m dealing with
any easier. I know about cancer, I
understand how horrible cancer is, but since I've never experienced it
firsthand, I don't know the first thing about how it makes someone feel. I don't know the struggles that they go
through each day, in their head, that make every day tasks, like making dinner,
a struggle.
So instead
of simply educating yourself, I'm going to offer another option, love. The thing about depression is that the people
who suffer from it are likely the last to ask for help. One of my biggest struggles while dealing
with depression has been a complete lack
of self worth. I struggle daily with
realizing that there are people out there that might actually give two craps
about me, let alone love me. So I'm
probably not going to call someone up and let them know I'm having a bad day
because I'm under the assumption that I'm a burden to everyone everywhere on
planet earth (I know this isn't true, but this is what I tell myself). Instead, I'm going to push though, brush away
the tears and fake it for as long as I can until I can collapse into bed at
night and do it all over again tomorrow.
If you
love someone who struggles with depression, you have to show them. Words simply aren't enough because whatever
you say to them is going to be overridden by the lies they tell themselves. You have to get in their face with love and
goodness of the authentic and unplanned kind.
Random notes to let them know you are thinking about them. A text that wishes them well. A spur of the moment invite to coffee (before
they have time to analyze what it would look like and bail on you).
Whatever
you do, do not tell them that they are unhealthy, they already know. Do not tell them that they aren't worthy of
being part of the body of Christ, they already feel that way. Do not tell them
that they just need to find the joy, they are probably already trying.
Yesterday
I was reflecting on all of the conversations and healings that Jesus was a part
of during his short time on this earth.
I thought it was beautiful how so many of the people he talked with or
healed were completely unashamed to let him see who they really were, they put
their struggles out in the open and he didn't love them any less because of it,
at times, it seems like he loved them more.
"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34:18, ESV)
If you are
going to remind someone who struggles with depression of anything, remind them
of that and then be Jesus for them.
Simply be near them to let them know that they aren't alone.
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